WEBVTT
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So you don't need to wait for retirement to elevate your relationship, okay, because otherwise you end up without a career and without a relationship.
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The most important relationship is at home.
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It's the one that stays in the highest and the lowest and gives you the strength for you to go and live your full potential and be of service and be the best leader that you can be, best leader that you have.
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Hey, uncommon Leaders, welcome back.
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This is the Uncommon Leader podcast.
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I'm your host, john Gallagher, and I certainly have an uncommon guest for you.
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Today we're going to tackle a topic that's absolutely foundational to everything else that we do our most important relationships and specifically we are going to talk about marriage.
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Our guest has a fascinating background.
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She's a chemical engineer turned life engineer, and she's going to share her story about her book Becoming a Power Couple Four Pillars to Engineer Legendary Marriages.
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She's also the host of the Life Engineering Podcast and she is epic with her story.
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I've heard it being told before, so you're going to learn a bunch those of you don't worry about, even if you're married.
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This is a way to build relationships in your life that can have an impact in your work as well and help you to become that uncommon leader.
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So get ready to learn how that intentionality and strategic thinking that you can apply to your business can also apply to the relationships and the vital connections that you have.
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Gabrielle Lambon, welcome to the Uncommon Leader Podcast.
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How are you today?
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Thank you, John.
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I'm wonderful and excited to converse with you.
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It's going to be an awesome conversation, so I am looking forward to it as well.
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But let's jump right into the first question I always ask my first-time guests, and that's to share a story with the listeners from your childhood that still impacts who you are today, as a person or as a leader.
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Yes.
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So you gave me a heads-up with that question, so I'm coming now prepared.
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The story takes me back to Argentina.
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So my childhood and I was in my first year of high school and I was a very good student.
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I was always very academic.
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What I was not was sporty.
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And in gym class in the first year of high school we had to run over.
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We had to do the run over hurdle race.
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So we had to run.
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I just couldn't do it.
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Every time I would, I could run, but every time I would approach the hurdle I would freeze.
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I was petrified of being in the air.
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Just the thought of what if I fall right.
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So I decided to negotiate with my teacher and I said I'll do whatever you want.
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I'll run as much as you want.
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I'll play whatever you want.
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I can't do that.
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I just can't.
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And he said this is very simple, gabriela If you don't do it, I'll fail you and you will have to retire.
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So I'm so grateful for that teacher because I had no choice but to actually practice and for weeks I would approach the hurdle and freeze and then I would go in bed to let me off the hook and he would be very persistent.
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You don't do this, I fail.
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You now imagine failing the first year of high school, when you have very high grades, just because gym class right, but this was beyond gym class, as you can imagine.
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This was about, uh, not giving up.
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So of course I practice, practice and I remember preparing myself, starting to research.
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How can I prepare myself mentally?
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How can I work on my mind?
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And you know, sure I was able to do it and I remember the relief.
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This wasn't about I'm not going to repeat the year that wasn't the relief.
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It was about overcoming something that I thought I can't and I'm grateful he didn't give up on me and taught me not to give up on myself, and that played a huge role when I started my business.
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I don't even remember the name of the teacher, but I will never forget him.
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I love that story and overcoming, overcoming fear, overcoming challenge and working your way through that, but also having that person in your life who helps you to overcome that, hold you high and make sure that you grow.
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Love that as a story and I appreciate that, and I know that you've had to overcome many things as well.
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After reading your book and understanding what's happening, look, we share a common title and that is of engineer.
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You're a chemical engineer, I'm a mechanical engineer.
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I never would have thought of trying to make my way into chemical engineering.
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I mean, speaking of hurdles, those class titles of chemistry and all those different things just were like hurdles to me that I was unable to overcome.
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So I stuck with the mechanical side and what that meant.
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But, regardless, many of us engineers aren't necessarily correlated with relationships and being good at relationships.
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You've gone from chemical engineer early in your career to a life engineer of relationships.
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You've gone from chemical engineer early in your career to a life engineer of relationships.
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Talk to me a little bit about that journey.
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Tell me about how you got to where you are today with regards to being a life engineer and really focusing on couples and powerful marriages.
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So in my last job as an engineer, which was in semiconductors, working for Intel, a new pattern emerged in me.
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I had to train.
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You know, intel is such a fascinating country.
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They have what we call Intel U Intel University on-site, and we do a lot of training besides our work as process engineers, and I discovered that I was quite good, actually, okay, that was why I was very good at training.
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I was so good at training that when I went to maternity leave with my first child, the person that replaced me was not another engineer but one of my technicians, because I have trained him so well and I started getting a lot of feedback on my ability to train and empower people to step up.
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After eight years in the field, I realized that I have everything, but I'm not happy and I was very satisfied with life because I was misaligning my career.
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Very dissatisfied with life because I was misaligning my career.
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And that's when I started going through the soul searching.
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Initially I thought I was going to become a science teacher and I registered at McGill University in Montreal to do that, and then I realized that my calling was to become was to become a coach.
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One of my friends said you should become a coach, and you know what it was.
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I researched and I found that was uh, that was it, it reminded, chose to study engineering.
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I also was divided between going for psychology or engineering, which is very different, and for very reasons, plus my love for science, I chose engineering.
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So that led me to certify as a coach and start coaching.
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I love that Again as that story and recognizing some of the gifts that you've been given and being able to do that and then having others recognize those gifts in you.
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I think it's a journey that I've taken as well.
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It was very early in my career that I moved from engineer to leader and that was something that folks that, as I talked with them, as I worked with them, I found myself more fulfilled working with them on the relationship side than I did on the engineering side.
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But the fact is we had to do so much just to get through engineering school and learning the discipline of that and the process mindset and really that leads into the book and what's very unique is still approaching relationships with the process mindset that it takes to be an engineer.
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So you authored last year you authored the book becoming a power couple and you can see how much I like it by the sticky notes that are in there for pillars to engineer legendary marriages, like when you write a book and invest the time in that.
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There's something really good in that.
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Why did you choose to write the book and who did you write it for?
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So I was saying that when I was working with leaders and professionals, I saw something that I couldn't ignore.
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When the conversation shifted to home life, to relationships, their voice shifted too.
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It's almost as their confidence dipped, and I could see that there was even a hidden regret or shame, and it really broke my heart, because these are the very people that deserve to lead and feel fulfilled in all areas of their lives.
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I started realizing that when I asked.
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The more I asked, the more I realized people didn't have a good model and they also were relying on love as a strategy.
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Love is not a strategy.
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There was no model on how to engineer a relationship, and that's when I said wait a second.
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I was working with couples as well, but I was also working with individuals and teaching them how to do marriage, and after a few couples said you change our lives, we no longer want to divorce.
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I had a couple who were about at the verge of divorce and then now, today, they have a family, they decided to have children.
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I said it's time to write the book where I talk about what are the best practices to build a power couple synergy now, and this book was written from an information perspective.
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This is that I studied this content, studied with experts in the field, but also my own experience, right Because I've been married for 27 years.
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My parents were great role models, my grandparents were great role models.
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Model my grandparents were great role models.
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So I felt that, yes, beyond all the knowledge that I have from my trainings, I'm bringing it was almost like a tribute to my, to my family, to write this book and I felt it was like I just just having these sessions to realized that people were doing all the wrong things and, again, everybody has the right to do marriage their own way.
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The way they were approaching it was creating this connection rather than connection, and I believe in that so much that it hurt me, it broke my heart, because I know what's possible well, I know you shared some of the data inside the books.
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It's pretty amazing Almost today, almost half of marriages first marriages ended in a divorce 40 to 50%.
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And it's even higher divorce rate 60 to 70% for second or marriages or beyond, and so that data in and of itself says there's both a need but also a hope, absolutely In terms of what you're doing with regards to making an impact one power couple at a time.
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So let's start there.
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What is the definition of a power couple?
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Yeah.
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So a power couple is a couple who has overcome the second place of the marriage usually is the struggling place and because they have overcome that, they have invested and committed.
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Now they share this power couple synergy.
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And what characterized the power couple synergy is that this part was bigger than you know.
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It's bigger than the unity of the couple is bigger than the sum of the two parts.
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So power couples usually feel they can accomplish a lot together.
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They support each other, they have a common vision, they feel that they are each other's best friend or favorite person.
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And the sweetest feeling of the power couple is that they don't worry about the relationship.
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They show up, they still do what needs to be done, they have fun together, they go through struggles together.
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They go through conflict without fear, without the uncertainty.
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So no matter what you're going through, you have this certainty in the relationship.
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Yeah, I love that.
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I had to test your engineering school for just a minute because you touched on that unity, that some of the parts is greater than the individuals.
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One plus one is not equal to, you said inside the book one plus one equals 10.
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I'm like that almost sounds like industrial engineer math, because we used to tease them as the mechanic or, excuse me, as the imaginary engineers.
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The IEs were the imaginary engineers.
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We tease them.
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But your point about when it comes together, it creates something more powerful inside and you've created a model.
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Now I want to talk about this because I think this is where even some couples who may not be engineers sort of try and stand up against it.
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If you're trying to get my marriage into this process, into this model, into this standard, aren't you trying to make me robots and then we'll lose the freedom and energy inside of our marriage?
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So look, I know you have to run into that sometimes.
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How do you overcome that barrier?
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With regards to, I'm going to teach you a model as to how you're going to improve your marriage and what that looks like.
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What are the barriers that you see with the couples you work with?
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Couples that I work with are happy to have the guidance because they feel they're struggling.
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But if a couple comes, they are trying to put my relationship into a structure, a model, a blueprint.
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It doesn't work that way.
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I said, well, try it, or how is it going for you right now?
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If it's great, then you don't need it, but if it's not great, you might want to try something else.
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How's that working for you?
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The thing with marriage is that the most common belief is that love is a strategy and that the moment you got married, that's it.
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It's done Right.
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But you know, as an entrepreneur yourself, that you wouldn't start a business and stop investing or planning after the launch.
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You wouldn't launch a new product and never check its performance.
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So marriage is not a status that we are acquiring on our wedding day.
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It's actually a process.
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It's not something we are.
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It's something we do actively and commit.
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And when I say love is not a strategy, that commitment that I'm talking about is not fueled by love.
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It's fueled by intention, and intention means that you will show up and commit, even the days you don't feel like it, and you will have some framework to use to create what you need to create, because on days that you feel the love that you have for each other, you might say I don't need a framework.
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But what happens on days you don't right?
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We want to make sure you don't disconnect on those days.
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We don't want to make sure that the relationship doesn on those days, we don't make sure that the relationship doesn't erode.
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That's why we need a framework.
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In fact, talking about the word, the word rituals, the framework offers rituals and best practices for each pillar.
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There are four pillars.
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Each pillar has its best practices and rituals.
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We, as humans, always perform rituals because rituals are the way of saying this is important, this matters, this has meaning, right?
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So this is what I would say to somebody who is doubting or asking why are you talking about frameworks when it comes to relationships?
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Hey, uncommon Leaders, hope you're enjoying the episode so far.
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I believe in doing business with people you like and trust, and not just a company name.
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That's why a strong personal brand is essential, whether you're an entrepreneur or a leader within a company.
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Brand Builders Group, the folks who have been helping me refine my own personal brand are offering a free consultation call with one of their expert brand strategists.
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They'll help you identify your uniqueness, craft a compelling story and develop a step-by-step plan to elevate your impact.
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So head on over to coachjohngallaghercom slash BBG, as in Brand Builders Group, to schedule your free call and take the first step toward building a personal brand that gets you noticed for all the right reasons.
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That's coachjohngallaghercom slash BBG.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
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So so good, because you hit the nail right on the head.
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We'll put plans in place for our fitness.
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We'll put these exercise routines, we'll go and find a trainer, we'll do three days per week and so many repetitions for our business To your point.
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We put in a plan, we carry out that strategy through deploying it and initiatives.
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Why wouldn't we use the same rigor and intentionality in our relationships Again, whether they're our marriages, our friendships or those that we work with at work and I loved your quote as you started talking about that.
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With commitment, engineers get it.
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The more dedication we put into a process, the better the yield and the quality.
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So when we call marriage a process, that is frankly what it is.
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But if we put energy into it, it's going to improve on a regular basis.
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John, we do personal development, business development, career development, but without the marriage development.
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And then we have the numbers.
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So when I ask society, how's that working for you without having a framework, that's all good.
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I love that.
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How's that working for you?
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I love that question.
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So how's that working for you right now?
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And again, when they're coming to you, which is really good, they're coming to you with a problem, which is really good.
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They're coming to you with a problem and, as a coach, it's hard to say this is awesome because I need you to come to me in terms of my business model, but what it really is, it's awesome that you recognize that I need help to get that to improve.
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So you mentioned your framework, you talked about the four pillars, but you start with a journey that I think is powerful.
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With regards to that reason for action, or call for action, you call it the Constitution.
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Tell me about the Marriage Constitution that you kick things off with your clients.
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So the Marriage Constitution is a conversation that you have with your partner about the deal breakers, about the things you will not tolerate, and why is this important?
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You know you have a spec when you produce a product.
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When you manufacture a product, you have a spec right.
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So you need a spec for your relationships because we come from different backgrounds and somebody might say, no, I marry the kid from the family next door.
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We come from the same culture this, yeah but you come from different families and every family, even if you come from the different culture, from the same culture, same religion, same everything you come from a different family and every family has their rules.
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So what might be accept, acceptable for you, might be a no-no for your partner.
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I'll give you a few examples.
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Okay, in my family, calling names like you're stupid, you're dumb, was always a no-no I've never heard my parents use that language In someone else's
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family.
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That might be stupid.
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What's the problem to say stupid, there's nothing wrong with that?
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In my home when I learned that you never leave, so even if my parents had an argument, I never saw one of my parents sleeping on the couch.
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So when I got married, I told my husband nobody sleeping on the couch.
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So when I got married, I told my husband nobody sleeps on the couch.
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I don't care how angry we are with each other, never leave the bed and the bedroom, because the bedroom is the sanctuary of the marriage.
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And no-no for me was smoking.
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So yes, when I met my husband, he was not a smoker, but if he ever decided that he was going to start smoking, he knew that's a deal breaker for me.
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So these are the things that are important to talk.
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First of all, so the other one doesn't say I didn't know, you know.
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And secondly, this opens an opportunity for deeper connection, because if each partner does their own list and then you sit together and you talk about, you share.
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This is an opportunity to share why.
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So, if you're having a list, I will never accept you being a drinker.
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Ok, you might say, well, you know, know.
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Growing up I saw my father drinking and that truly devastated my mother.
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There's no way I'm going to marry somebody who's a drinker, I don't know.
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Everybody has their story.
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So this allows you to explain yourself why this is important, where you're coming from, and learn each other, go deeper in your understanding of your partner, where they come from, what's important for them, what really matters to them.
00:22:28.127 --> 00:22:37.097
So this is what the Constitution is it's an opportunity for deeper connection, but also to make sure that we don't say, oh, I didn't know, that was a no-no.
00:22:39.340 --> 00:22:45.204
It's so powerful and frankly, as you say, when couples are coming to you, they're married already and they're having challenges.
00:22:45.204 --> 00:22:47.865
That's an important time to put that constitution in place.
00:22:47.865 --> 00:23:01.296
What I'm also hearing is, even in that planning phase, that design phase, if you will, of a marriage prior to marriage, having this constitution in place before you even get married and say, hey, these are deal breakers for me early on.
00:23:01.296 --> 00:23:06.464
So before we go forward, let's make sure we understand those and make those happen.
00:23:06.464 --> 00:23:17.086
I can see where it can be preemptive and help with some of that percentage that we talked about with regards to almost half of marriages, half of first marriages, ending in divorce and having an impact.
00:23:17.145 --> 00:23:22.564
I can really see the power in that, Gabriella, Absolutely, and I appreciate you sharing.
00:23:22.564 --> 00:23:23.526
So let's talk about that.
00:23:23.526 --> 00:23:32.587
I mean again, you move from the constitution then as really as a solution, uh, to overcome barriers later on in the journey that may occur.
00:23:32.587 --> 00:23:36.682
And then you talk about these four pillars me, you, ours and us.
00:23:36.682 --> 00:23:41.628
We don't have time to talk about all four of those pillars, but I want to talk a little bit about the me pillar.
00:23:41.628 --> 00:23:47.776
I'm selfish and let's go ahead and go to me and that's the first one that you list as a pillar is me.
00:23:47.776 --> 00:23:52.166
Why me first in this journey and tell me about that pillar.
00:23:53.009 --> 00:24:00.385
Well, I can't build a safe and powerful relationship with somebody who doesn't take care of me.
00:24:00.385 --> 00:24:03.271
It's as simple as that.
00:24:03.271 --> 00:24:11.523
A power couple is the union between two power individuals.
00:24:11.523 --> 00:24:16.153
The me is all about responsibility and accountability for myself, for my own happiness.
00:24:16.153 --> 00:24:18.468
It's self-awareness, personal development.
00:24:18.468 --> 00:24:20.406
Nobody wants to marry a victim.
00:24:20.406 --> 00:24:27.891
Nobody wants to marry somebody that all they do is blame other people, expect other people to be happy, to make them happy.
00:24:27.891 --> 00:24:36.934
So the me is all about self-awareness, not outsourcing your happiness to your partner.
00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:39.788
But when you aren't happy, why is that?
00:24:39.788 --> 00:24:41.385
I had to do a career change.
00:24:41.385 --> 00:24:45.784
I also brought into our relationship a lot of baggage that I needed to work on.
00:24:45.784 --> 00:24:47.368
So you have two options.
00:24:47.368 --> 00:24:55.770
When you pass the honeymoon phase, you start triggering each other, which you will okay, unless you are not connected enough.
00:24:55.770 --> 00:24:56.792
You will.
00:24:56.792 --> 00:25:10.476
Now you have two options do I blame my partner and expect them to change, or do I use this as an opportunity to work on myself and my own, healing my own personal development?
00:25:10.476 --> 00:25:22.906
So this is what the me is all about truly Becoming the best version of yourself so you can be the best also in this relationship, and not using your partner as a punching bag.
00:25:25.372 --> 00:25:28.288
So good, and again you started right off.
00:25:28.288 --> 00:25:37.592
Nobody wants to marry that victim, the one who's always blaming others or behaves like a victim, but they want to marry someone who's going to take responsibility for their own changes.
00:25:37.592 --> 00:25:46.330
You know, the traditional cliche is you know, when the oxygen mask falls in the airplane, put yours on first, before you can help others.
