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Do we choose to keep moving forward or even in change?
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Because so many of my clients are facing change and uncertainty and we have a choice Do we just sit there, dump out it and just not do anything, or do we move toward it?
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Like you know, we always have to be moving.
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What I really care about and why I'm so passionate the people who are struggling and don't feel like they're brave, like I'm here to help them, because you can, little by little, little, learn to be brave and when you get through that journey, there is nothing that feels better as you build your self-confidence.
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Hey, Uncommon Leaders, welcome back.
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This is the Uncommon Leader podcast.
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I'm your host, John Gallagher, and have I got a fantastic, inspirational guest for you today?
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The conversation we're about to have is for those individuals who are feeling stuck in the work that they're in right now, maybe in a relationship that they have or, ultimately, in their own life.
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Realizing that their potential they know they can reach is just not happening for them, and we need a way to make that happen.
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Our guest today is a former US Marine Corps officer, a positive psychology expert and the founder of the Breakthrough Leadership Group, and now we're going to put author beside her name the author of the Bravery Effect.
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In this book, she makes a powerful case that true growth and success comes from embracing discomfort and that bravery is a skill and a muscle that we can actually build.
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So I can't wait to have a conversation about that.
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Jill Shulman, welcome to the Uncommon Leader Podcast.
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How are you doing today?
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I am fantastic and so excited to chat with you.
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Well, this is going to be great and I'm going to jump right in.
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No reason to wait.
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Your book.
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The core message is that bravery isn't really the absence of fear, but it's forward motion in spite of that fear.
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So how do individuals kind of recognize in terms of what a healthy fear is, that they don't have to do anything about, or something that's just holding them back and it's in their own mind?
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Yeah, I mean just in general.
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Yeah, bravery is taking action in the presence of fear toward a worthwhile goal.
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So if we look at the definition, you know, sometimes fear is a very, very good sign that there's danger and we should move away.
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You know, fear is what kept us alive and Daniel Kahneman's work you know, Nobel Prize winning psychologist found that we're actually twice as motivated to avoid things that are riskier that we fear.
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You're just a human being, You're normal, right, but we have to learn to differentiate between the fears we should listen to, which is like the edge of a cliff, a black bear or a saber-toothed tiger, physical danger, versus the dangers that we normally face today, which is social danger, which is usually the fear of failure, the fear of rejection.
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But our brain, our nervous system, doesn't know the difference, so we just react the same way.
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So I guess, to answer your question, we've got to know when we feel fear.
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We've got to decide is this something dangerous where it's not a worthwhile goal, it's actually something I should run away from?
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Or am I just nervous because of the social fear, but it's standing in between me and the thing that I really want?
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So what's that worthwhile goal?
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What is the thing that you really want, and if there's fear holding you back from getting to that, then when you feel that fear, I want you to look at that as a sign that there's something important.
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You need to move toward it.
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So don't run away.
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Move toward that type of fear.
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I love that, like you said, you can distinguish the difference.
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When somebody says to jump out of an airplane without a parachute, you can definitely tell that type of fear is not really logical to use.
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But in the space of change, especially in the workplace that we work in today as leaders, some of those fears that hold us back are our own, made up stuff that really exists Now inside.
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What I kind of talk about with regards to change is that, you know, people ultimately change when the displeasure of remaining where they are today is greater than the pain of the change itself, and they'll make a change once they understand that they're stuck.
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The term that you use inside the book, which I think is really cool, is the comfort trap, and so when you think about that term, the comfort trap if you would define that for me just a little bit and then give me one or two you know things that you identify as a coach and as an expert in that space that people are in a comfort trap versus something that's really a fear.
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Yeah.
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So just let's just let's talk about what a comfort trap is.
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You've been reading the book so you understand.
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But for your audience?
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So the comfort trap is when, in the moments we have to decide to do the right thing that's uncomfortable, or to do the easy thing that is comfortable.
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You know, when we choose comfort, it makes it harder for us next time to do the uncomfortable thing.
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And I like to use the analogy of it's like building a muscle right, if you don't work out your body and your muscles atrophy and then your body gets weaker over time.
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So think of it the same way in terms of our bravery, like, if we continually don't go into the bravery gym, the mental gym of doing the hard thing, we're going to become weaker and less resilient.
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So the comfort trap means when you push the easy button, it makes it that much harder to be able to do the challenging thing.
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You know, and and when we build the muscle of bravery, and, and we can it is like building a muscle.
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Like, literally, our brain can rewire.
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We have brain plasticity that will change the way our brain um, the composition of our brain, with an increasing prefrontal cortex also the rewiring of our brain from different parts of our brain, you parts of our brain.
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So when we take a little step forward towards something we fear, then our confidence increases a little bit and our brain says whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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What are we doing here?
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That was kind of hard.
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And so your brain, your body, is saying I need to be ready for that next time.
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So the more you take steps toward things that you fear in the pursuit of those worthwhile goals, you build that bravery muscle.
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But every time we choose the easy button, we fall more into the comfort trap and then we're like then we feel like see, I'm not able to.
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So it becomes a vicious cycle and I think a lot of people are stuck that way.
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And some tangible examples just I see in the workplace.
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It's not a lack of talent, it's not a lack of capability, but fear just completely controls individuals.
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Let's use the example of just speaking up, like speaking up with an idea, or leaders, like having difficult conversations about performance or giving constructive feedback.
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You know, some leaders just avoid it because it's just uncomfortable for them, right?
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And then the more they avoid it, then the harder it gets, you know.
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So that's just one little example, but I think many of us are stuck in the comfort trap, and we've been there so long, it's so hard for us to break out.
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It really is, and you touched on this a little bit as well in terms of again, some of the things that I've read about your organization is that it's helping those individuals just become aware of it because they get in it for so long it becomes easier to just hang out there and that complacency or that good enough feeling resides.
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And that's not who we were created to be.
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It just isn't.
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We weren't created to be good enough, we were created to be and do so much more.
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You have a Marine background.
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I'm sure that's informed some of the book in terms of and your teaching methodology as well.
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Give me an example or a story from the Marines that still informs who you are today, as a person or as a leader.
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Oh boy, we've got so many you know.
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So I would say, hey, when I first decided to try and to earn the title of United States Marine, I went the college route first.
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So I had a full scholarship on the Marine Corps.
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So that means I go to college for four years and then I'm commissioned to become an officer and I thought I knew what I was getting into but I applied on my own.
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My parents were not even really aware and all of a sudden I said I have a full scholarship in the Marine Corps, I'm leaving Minnesota and I'm going to San Diego.
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They're like what?
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And I was pretty confident at the time.
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I'm like I earned the scholarship, I had the academics, I had the leadership, I had what I thought was the fitness.
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And then I arrived in San Diego and I was in for a rude awakening.
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In fact, my first day I reported in.
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So when you go to college, most kids report in, not report in.
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I'm using military terms go to the orientation where all the students kind of hang out.
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But if you're in ROTC, you got to go another week early for the orientation of Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps, rotc.
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But it's like a mini boot camp.
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And, by the way, when you report in, there's tons of people there.
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A majority of the midshipmen we call them are going into the Navy.
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They're peeling left and if you are the Marine Corps option, you go to the right.
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I'm looking at, everyone go to the left and there's only a couple going to the right.
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And then I go to the right and no one looks like me.
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And then let me just tell you what I was wearing.
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I'm so embarrassed to admit that I put a lot of thought into my outfit.
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I mean I'm kind of girly.
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I mean that's kind of the interesting thing.
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I had a very successful career in the Marine Corps but I'm like I don't want to wear a dress that's too girly.
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But I don't want to wear jeans, because I read that jeans officers can't wear jeans.
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So I was wearing some some like knee length silk shorts that were hot pink and little matching heels, like I mean, what was I thinking?
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But I thought I looked very professional.
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So I don't know if you have a scene in your mind of like I'm a stunt double to legally blonde.
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So I went there.
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I'm sorry, I went there, reese Witherspoon, that's exactly where I went.
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I mean, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
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So I mean, so I mean they were just, I think, salivating, going like we're going to get here.
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And on my first day I had one of the upperclassmen who was about to be commissioned and he came up to me and he whispered like you'll never make it as a.
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Marine.
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So that was my.
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That was the first time where I am faced with a choice and this is really important for your audience Like there's big choices and there's little choices.
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So on that first day I'm reporting in, this was my ticket to get my college degree paid for.
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This was my ticket to start a career that had meaning, and I encountered some adversity.
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I could have chosen to quit and go back home to my family and friends in Minnesota, but in life we have choices of go the hard path or take the easy path right, and in that moment I was there to stay and so I chose, like I'm going to keep going.
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And it didn't get better.
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The second day got worse because I thought I was in shape.
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But do you know the hills that they have in Southern California?
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I was in shape, but do you know the hills that they have in Southern California?
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There's a place called Tecalote Canyon near University of San Diego.
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It is a torture chamber because it's just hills.
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And on day two we went out running.
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You know, in our Marine Corps you know physical training gear, pt gear, and I couldn't keep up.
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Most of the people in my unit were actually prior enlisted Marines that earned an ability to go to college for four years.
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So there's some of us that fresh out of high school, but a lot of them were existing Marines, and so I wasn't keeping up and it was hard, because it is not cool, it is very shameful if you can't keep up physically.
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You know so, and I struggled with that for the whole first year.
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But each day I had to make a choice, knowing do I keep doing the hard thing, faith that with time I can grow the skill, or do I just say this is too hard, I'm going to give up?
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And I think this we have a parallel in the business world.
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Like we have really challenging goals, or we're we challenging goals or we've got some adversity that we're facing.
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There's huge changes there.
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Do we choose to keep moving forward, or even in change, because so many of my clients are facing change and uncertainty and we have a choice Do we just sit there dumbfounded and just not do anything, or do we move toward it?
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Like you know, we always have to be moving.
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So I kept showing up and there's a happy ending to this story.
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I kept at it, I kept at it and then, between my junior and senior of college, you have to go to officer candidate school, which is kind of like boot camp for officers.
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If you can't get through officer candidate school you're not going to be able to be an officer.
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So I went there and after training for years and I got really strong and so when I came back from officer candidate school they measure you on physical fitness, your leadership ability, your marksmanship, like everything, and I had the highest ranking out of any one of the Marines from my school.
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The prior enlisted the other students as a female, like I outranked all of them and so then my unit recognized that and they made me the midshipman battalion commander, which means I was in charge of all the students.
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So it's kind of that comeback story and the reason why it's so meaningful is probably because I had so much adversity, because it was so hard in the beginning, and I think that's what I really care about and why I'm so passionate the people who are struggling and don't feel like they're brave, like I'm here to help them, because you can little by little learn to be brave and when you get through that journey there is nothing that feels better as you build your self-confidence.
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So I know that's the story that comes to mind that relates to bravery, yeah.
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I love that story.
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I love that story as it relates to bravery and as it relates to who you are today and I um gentlemen Roy Vaden, ceo of Brand Builders Group.
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He would say we are most powerfully positioned to help the person that we once were.
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I would imagine you can use that story of bravery, uh, in experiences with your clients, and I'll ask this without revealing any names do you have any favorite client story where you've helped them to go through something like that and do something hard and come out on the other side very successful?
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Absolutely.
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You know, as I bring my work, the research on bravery, to programs, to companies, it's usually the little moments of someone who comes up to me and tells me their story of you know, I was scared of doing this but I was brave and I did the hard thing and as a result, I got the promotion.
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So there's countless, countless stories.
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But as I go in and I teach it to a large group where I do a keynote, and I get people reaching out to me saying like what you said mattered.
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And the one thing I take pride in is and I don't mean to take away from some of my fellow keynote speakers, but a lot of keynote speakers tell their inspirational story and say, look at what I've done, like, be like me and just toughen it out.
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But what I teach are evidence-based, evidence-based tactics I always use military terms tactics or or actions you can take that we know that will build your bravery over time and I think we have a responsibility to do that.
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I know that if people take action in the way that I teach them, I have no doubt that they're going to be able to get through the fear and I have all the psychology to back it up.
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So I have like I'm like the tough girl Marine, but I back it up.
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I studied psychology and everything that I teach my, my audiences, my clients, is based on cognitive psychology.
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We have to first win the battle in our mind I call it the warrior mindset and then we need to, you know, but then we have to take brave action.
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Sometimes people like do a lot of things on mindset but then they don't take a step, like the whole mindset is to support your action.
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So I love doing work on mindset, but I'm like we're not going to spend all the time doing mindset stuff, like you need to take a step even if you're scared.
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And so we talk about the psychology and this is behavioral psychology, right.
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And then those are the two things that are more internal that we're working on.
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And then I always tell people like there's some good news.
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Do you want me to make it easier?
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And they're like, oh, my gosh, yes, please.
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And then we talk about social psychology, on how, if you surround yourself with people who will not just say, oh, it's okay, just give up, it's fine, you know, be easy on yourself.
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No, surround yourself with people that are going to say, no, keep going, get up and try again.
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You can do this.
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So surround yourself with people who are going to challenge you, encourage you, put courage into you, you know, and that will make it easier.
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It's the theory where you end up conforming to the norms of the people that you surround yourself with, you know, and people say you are who you hang out with.
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Well, there's psychology that backs it up.
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So make sure that you're regularly hanging out with, or having conversations with, people who have done the hard thing that you're going to do or seeking to do.
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So they can be the ones that say hey, when I was in your shoes, I struggled too, but you can do it, and it makes you feel like, oh, wow, okay, I'll keep going.
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So we work on mindset and actions, kind of in the individual, and then we teach in the social psychology that can make it easier for them to be brave, create the environment that makes it easier for them to take that step forward.
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Love that those three steps are spot on in terms of what I wanted.
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To even go further, asking question developing that warrior mindset, taking bold action and curating those courageous connections is something that's kind of something that you've chatted about.
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What's a daily practice a leader might take to, in essence, develop that warrior mindset?
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that you talk about.
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Yeah, so one that is very, very simple, super simple, but very powerful, is just using growth mindset by Carol Dweck, which I teach it.
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I like to make things simple, like in the Marine Corps, we'd always say kiss it, keep it simple, sir.
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Right?
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So there's all this evidence and fancy stuff, but you just can boil it down to one word.
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That's three letters and it's yet.
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So when you are encountering challenges in your work and something bad happens and you're like, oh my gosh, like the world is falling apart, like we're never going to be able to, you know, overcome this challenge, you can just use the word yet, like we don't have the answers right now to solve a challenge, or we don't have the answers yet, we haven't figured out how to overcome the obstacle yet.
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So when you say yet, it creates this little shift in our mind of saying it is possible and think of, like warriors, what do you think Navy SEALs and Marines do?
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They're like, oh gosh, the enemy's in the way, oh well, we're just going to quit.
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No, we're like we haven't figured out how we're going to overcome it yet.
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And then we need to start thinking about and the reason why this is so important is if you have a pessimistic point of view saying everything is wrong and it's not going to get any better, then that impacts your actions, then you're not going to even try.
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So the power of yet opens up a little bit of optimism.
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Marty Seligman, the father of positive psychology.
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He's done so much research on optimism and the reason why it's so important is if you see the little sliver of possibility, it means that there's a chance.
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I'm optimistic that it's possible for me to overcome the challenge.
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And if it's possible, then what does it do to your actions?
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Then you start thinking, you start brainstorming, you think about how you can do it.
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So that's one practical thing is just always use that.
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Yet it's really easy to just be in a pity party, right, and just go like there's nothing we can do, like let's just complain about it, like all right, let's shift and say let's use the power of yet and start thinking about how we could overcome it.
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Right, and you know one thing, if I can say an additional thing on positive psychology, I think when people learn that I've studied positive psychology, like I, get some people like rolling their eyes oh, positive thinking right you know, and I'm like I am not woo woo, I am not happy clappy like at all.
00:20:31.771 --> 00:20:33.536
This is about being realistic.
00:20:33.536 --> 00:20:35.137
Like this sucks.
00:20:35.137 --> 00:20:36.779
This is a huge setback.
00:20:36.779 --> 00:20:39.083
Let's be realistic.
00:20:39.083 --> 00:20:44.891
But believing a warrior mindset is believing that we can overcome this.
00:20:44.891 --> 00:20:46.220
We just got to figure out how.
00:20:46.220 --> 00:20:56.343
We don't have the answers yet, but we can figure this out and that's where that little glimmer of optimism allows everyone to start moving toward it and that's, I mean, those are the best moments.
00:20:56.343 --> 00:21:03.984
When you think back at stories and companies, you're like remember that time when we had this, oh my gosh, and all the stuff that we had to do, when we overcame it.
00:21:03.984 --> 00:21:05.661
Like those are the best of times, right.
00:21:06.122 --> 00:21:08.219
Hey, uncommon Leaders, hope you're enjoying the episode.
00:21:08.219 --> 00:21:12.285
So far, I believe in doing business with people you like and trust, and not just a company name.
00:21:12.285 --> 00:21:16.807
That's why a strong personal brand is essential, whether you're an entrepreneur or a leader within a company.
00:21:16.807 --> 00:21:24.131
Brand Builders Group, the folks who have been helping me refine my own personal brand are offering a free consultation call with one of their expert brand strategists.
00:21:24.131 --> 00:21:30.212
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00:21:30.212 --> 00:21:41.021
So head on over to coachjohngallaghercom slash BBG, as in brand builders group, to schedule your free call and take the first step toward building a personal brand that gets you noticed for all the right reasons.
00:21:41.021 --> 00:21:44.488
That's coachjohngallaghercom slash BBG.
00:21:44.488 --> 00:21:46.170
Now let's get back to the episode.
00:21:46.776 --> 00:21:54.902
I love that it becomes the connector, that yet becomes the connector between that mindset and that bold action that you need to take.
00:21:54.902 --> 00:21:59.779
I love kind of the picture of that, because you talked about that, the power of yet.
00:21:59.779 --> 00:22:03.695
It allows you to think about what other solutions might be there.
00:22:03.695 --> 00:22:12.692
And then again your third step ultimately those connections is having those people around you that can help lift those ideas that you have to make it happen as well, so powerful.
00:22:12.692 --> 00:22:15.681
I'll share this really quick, just because it's so recent for me.
00:22:15.701 --> 00:22:23.296
It was just a few days ago that myself and three other guys chose the decision of doing something hard and doing our second Spartan race.
00:22:23.296 --> 00:22:36.221
We did our first one four months ago, but to wait until we were me, 56 years old and the other guys kind of in their early 50s as well to do something hard like that for the first time has the power of yet.
00:22:36.221 --> 00:22:42.523
We had been training, we were focused on being positive, but we really needed to take some bold action to really get us there.
00:22:42.523 --> 00:22:50.930
Now, whether a Spartan race is bold compared to going in the Marines as an officer in ROTC and we'll talk about that a little bit more at the end just in terms of movies.
00:22:50.930 --> 00:22:56.164
For us it was our way of choosing something hard and we had that mindset going in.
00:22:56.164 --> 00:22:57.847
That was really important.
00:22:57.847 --> 00:23:10.785
Leaders, you've got to stay on that positive side and to your point, we're not talking about foo foo positive that you know I can do whatever I want to do.
00:23:10.825 --> 00:23:11.829
That's not what that means inside of that space.
00:23:11.829 --> 00:23:12.230
I really liked that.
00:23:12.230 --> 00:23:13.115
Yeah, you know, um just made me think.
00:23:13.115 --> 00:23:17.061
By the way, I just signed up for my first Spartan in November.
00:23:17.182 --> 00:23:24.799
It's a stadium, so are you going to Boston and doing that 5k and you're going to be a speaker as well, cause I know Nick.
00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:25.845
He invited me to that thing.
00:23:25.845 --> 00:23:29.217
My problem with November 8th is November 15th is the.
00:23:29.217 --> 00:23:33.727
Is the half marathon Spartan that we're running in South Carolina.
00:23:33.727 --> 00:23:37.160
I'm like do I want to run a stadium and do I look first?
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of all, be careful.
00:23:37.780 --> 00:23:38.701
You know what, John?
00:23:38.701 --> 00:23:40.224
It would be a good workout, the stadiums are.
00:23:40.224 --> 00:23:42.067
That's what it is, that's the new finisher.
00:23:42.387 --> 00:23:43.569
That's what I'm trying to tell myself.
00:23:43.569 --> 00:23:44.759
Positive mindset.
00:23:46.115 --> 00:23:47.541
More your mindset, absolutely.
00:23:47.541 --> 00:23:49.279
First of all, be careful with Spartans.
00:23:49.279 --> 00:23:50.678
It has nothing to do with anything physical.
00:23:50.678 --> 00:23:52.623
It has to do with the community.
00:23:52.623 --> 00:23:56.540
That is an unbelievable community of one of the things I didn't expect.
00:23:56.540 --> 00:24:10.704
That connection that you talk about in terms of a group of thousands of people that are there really for the same reason yeah, they want to win and get on the pedestal, but the majority of those individuals are there just to do something hard and say they did it and accomplish it.
00:24:10.704 --> 00:24:11.477
I'm like man.
00:24:11.477 --> 00:24:13.664
I never would have thought I'd be able to do that.