Achieving Consistency Through Clarity of Thought and Unwavering Commitment - Jay Twining Part 1

Welcome back,uncommon Leaders.This is The Uncommon Leader Podcast,and I'm your host,John Gallagher.I'm excited to welcome Jay Twining to our podcast.Today,Jay's a highly sought after personal brand strategist,empowering coaches,consultants,founders,and speakers to gain clarity on their goals and audience.As the host of the Feelgood Fatherhood Show,Jay brings a unique perspective to our conversation today,which took off from the moment we hit record.Our discussion was so engaging.I've decided to split it into two parts so that you can fully absorb the depth of our exchange.In part one,Jay and I dive deep into the challenges of being a father leader and coach in today's high pressure world.He shares valuable insights on the importance of focusing on the process of achieving our goals,including consistent effort,clarity of thought,and unwavering commitment.I'm confident that you'll find this episode both informative and enjoyable.So let's get started.so I,I started following this,this new this new influencer,right?And so he's it's kind of a,it's a little bit different.So he's more of a slower pace growth,more of a stoicism release,relieved the pressure,that kind of jazz.And so for me,in my own personal journey,I was getting so,so much pressure on myself to increase my views and increase my subscription and all these things were kind of going on.And,um,and then I have a colleague who's also a YouTuber.She's a content creator,and she really shows up for me really big.And what ended up happening was she was like,she had a really rough year,like,income kind of went down.She had a,a tough pregnancy,tough delivery,delivery,the whole thing.And just kinda like these ups and downs.She was like,I had all this pressure.because,and her whole thing is about not that mm-hmm.her whole thing is about the minimalism and the stoicism and,and the philosophy behind the success and showing up big and stuff like that.And so she turned me onto this guy and he was like,you're probably lost in the success and you're,and you're all this kinda stuff.And when it's,when you're in that space,you're focused on,on you,you're focused on,and I'm pointing at my chest like,you're focused on,it's selfish.You're not in service.And um,and so then what ended up happening was I kind of followed him and I got on his email list and I was like,all right,so he's gonna do a,a weekly email,see what he has to say.And the first email is literally download this,add-on,and we're gonna turn off the views and the analytics of your YouTube studio channel.So when you go in to upload your videos and take a look at stuff,you can see the title and like all the things you need to do,but all of the views,all the subs,all that kind of stuff is just gone.And I said,wow.Like what a,what a smart relief.What a way to just say,I'm in this for the long haul.I'm in here not to make sure that every single day I can go up five pounds when I'm lifting my weights on YouTube.Mm-hmm.I'm in here because I know it's,it's a slow growth.It's sustainable.I'm not here for a hack.I'm,I'm here to create this conversation.I'm here to lead from the front.There's a,there's a product and a conversation in a service that I don't see in the world.I'm creating that right now.And rather than get,than get stuck in this in this wheel of,I'm not good enough.I'm not hitting the numbers I need,uh,all this pressure.Cuz we ended up so,so a little bit more backstory is that I had one that went really well.Mm-hmm.So brand new episode.I know these numbers aren't that great,but I had one that was at least500%more than every other video.So,like,day one,lots of hype around it.You know,average,you about50couple weeks go by not quite hitting the50mark.This one goes out like190views.So it's like,it's huge.It's like comparatively,it's huge.It's like triple the best day one,five times,five times the normal view count so far.And so,and I kept seeing that.I kept like,oh,comparing,I'm like,all right.I'm like,am I doing that thing?Am I doing this,this,you know,going back and forth,figuring out what's going on.And I got like,all the stuff in my head.But really what it's about is just am I serving people?Am I,am I focused on,am I focused on the right metric?And that metric is like the metric for me right now when it comes to,to pushing out my podcast.It is literally am I,show me showing up amazing every single episode.So am I one percenting myself?Am I focused on my growth?Am I showing up bigger?Am I asking better questions?Are the are,am I getting more value out of the guest to give to my audience?That's metric one.And that manifests itself in certain ways.Metric two is,am I getting it out consistently every single week?That's it.Tho those are my metrics.there's,there's nothing else.There's no,there's no other numbers to look at.And they're,and they're very low.But I'm also starting something new,right?I'm starting something new.So,you know,if,if you're opening a new business and you've got the base product,like the question is,how many outgoing sales calls are you making?How many,how many appointments are you setting?How many presentations are you giving?Mm-hmm.but all that is like,every single day are you letting people know about what you're doing.And so when I apply that to myself and I apply that to,to my efforts and,and this pressure,it's like,oh,okay.What I want to do is I want to lead this discussion and I have this vision for,for the show,this vision for what I want to create.Is it being executed on consistently?Yes.Great.I'm winning right now.Dude.I'm so glad I recorded that.That's gonna end up in the show.Just by the way,it's kinda like the end video when we recorded.Awesome.On your please.Still good fatherhood as will,right?Yeah.In terms of going in,because it's,it's just pure conversational and saying,you know,from your heart,I mean,we know that we together as you know,you being a strategist for Brand Builders Group,me being a client of Brand Builders Group,you know your boss,she says,you don't need.Millions of followers to make millions of dollars.And then they had,you know,the ultimate YouTube guy,Evan Carmichael,if he's one of the ones that you follow as well.I said,look,wouldn't you love if you had a room of like14people to talk to and they were just listening to you?I said,that's14more people than are normally in that room with you.That room being a YouTube video watch,uh,or that room being a podcast that you,that you put out,you know,you know what I love about what you just told me was that,and I,this is an unlock that just happened.I've got about50subscribers,which there are people that have been doing the YouTube game a lot longer than me that don't have that number So there's that piece.Mm-hmm.but I had the50subscribers and I have a50%retention.So one of the hard things for me is that I'm a,I'm,I'm a product guy,an old product manager.I was a lead product manager.I had a whole team.So like numbers and metrics and measuring and like,that's like,and I'm digital marketing.So everything in that world is like,yeah,you can be creative,you can create visuals,you can write the copy that you want,but honestly it's numbers.Like marketing is numbers,right?Product management is numbers.Are we increasing that number?Mm-hmm.and my retention rate for my channel is50%.What that literally means is that of the people that come to my channel,one half of them come back.I think there,there are plenty of people that would kill for a retention number like that.Absolutely.And so there is something sticky.I know there's something there.I absolutely love it.And you're ab and you're,and you're100%correct.You know,the other piece that Evan Carmichael brings back that I think is super critical when he talks about it to the brand builders and he talks about it to us,His number one thing is get clarity of thought.That's so huge.So many of us,uh,uh,I don't know who made this statement,but they said the vast majority of majority of us spend zero time thinking.And so we're asked for an opinion on a thing and we make up something on the spot.I love this because I think it's number one,I think it's a hundred percent true because I don't think a lot of us are very comfortable saying,you know,I don't know.I,I just don't know.And what,and I know for me personally,like you mentioned as a strategist,so as a brand builders,group strategist,I have a lot of clients building their brand,doing their thing.Um,leaders,founders,CEOs,you know,whoever they are.And every once in a while they're kinda like,well,I need to understand this thing.Right.And every once in a while,I have to say,you know what?I don't really know.I don't know the answer to this.I can't give you your,the silver bullet.I can't give you,I can't give you the,um,what is it?What is,what's the god,the gods look,sir.Is it ambrosia?I can't give you your,your,your piece of ambrosia right now.Like,I can't do that for you.I can go look it up.I can go ask,I can go see.But usually I'm saying,usually I'm saying,well,my gut is saying that this isn't a solid direction.My gut is that you have200data points in front of you.You're focused on one.I don't know if this is the most important thing.Let's stick with everything we've been talking about,this conversation consistency.You also brought up what I thought was super critical.That aligns not only with what I do with the brand strategy,but also with feelgood fatherhood.And that's,I don't need,so I've got,I have a10year old turning11,so fifth grade.and I have a brand new four month old.And for them it's not about a huge unlock,it's not about leaps and bounds.It's not about these crazy,huge growth moments or wonderful raises or like winning the new deal.It's like,all right,are we sitting down and watching episode24of50of this show that you like?Great.All right.Are we doing that again tomorrow?Great.Mm-hmm.did you do your homework again today?Yes.Are you eating every morning?Yes.Wonderful.And so this great analogy of fatherhood with business building fatherhood with brand building,they're really aligned.And what I mean by that is it's about co.Regular steps forward and it's plotting and it's hard and it's lifting weights and you don't go from benching nothing to benching300in one day.It just,it takes time and consistent effort and you have to build muscles and expertise.And I think that,you know,when I think of,when I think of leadership,cuz really at the end of the day,what we're really talking about,I think here in this particular moment is leadership.Fatherhood is leader,brand strategist is leader,brand builder as leader,influencer is leader.We're made.We don't,we're not born.It's,it's nothing like that.We're made.And I think about the Navy and the Navy says leaders aren't born,they're made.Mm-hmm you,you develop that edge,you develop the clarity of thought,you develop the business,you develop your kids,you grow as a father.you clarify your message,you get out there,you get bigger opportunities by putting forth the effort every single day.And so when I go back and I look at like the pressure I was putting myself on,results,results,results,results.Could you imagine that?Could you imagine being a father?Imagine this.You're a father and you're kind of like,well,you know what,I don't have to cuz it,this is,this is real.You have to get a's,you have to get into the school,you have to have the job.We have to like,ah,oh,That's right.Oh my goodness.All that pressure when it's just like,now pressure's good.We need to be,sometimes we need to be pushed.But I think there's a really big difference between being pushed and being forced.And I think that that latter example I was saying was just like,you gotta get the A,you gotta make the team,you gotta go to the college,you gotta the ah,like all that kind of stuff.That's force.You're forcing yourself on somebody else.You're forcing your ideas on,on your kid.You're forcing your ideas on the market.You're forcing these things rather than just like,the push,let's push this out here.Mm-hmm.I think that just hit,just hit the record button,right?Yeah,that's right.Just hit record.Just hit record.I mean,you think about that from the standpoint of when you talked about some of those,those force items,they're,those outcome measures anyway,and really the activity that we're looking for,and you touched on this,was the discipline and what are the things I need to do over and over and over again so that the result is what I'm looking for.That you know,a lot of people,you know,you,here's some of the folks and even,even some of the,the big pod podcasters,talk about embracing the process or loving the process as you go forward with it.And look,I don't care what anybody said,I just,I just posted something yesterday about hating the exercise that I was given,but I love having done it on the other end when I'm done with it.So there are things that we have to do.that we may not like doing as well.And that feels a little bit like push,but we know that,uh,it's gonna make us better.And the resulting of,you know,a podcast like yours and feel good fatherhood and the focus on the outcome,which is hits people,you know,staying and watching for a certain amount of time.The number of subscribers we get so hung up in that world of Joe Rogan,who has a three hour show that he does every day,and he's got so many millions of followers and it's got all these ads that he runs.And if we can keep an abundance mindset,say,no,no,no,I,I've got my piece of that activity and I know the influence that I'm having and I need to have in the space that I'm in.Right.Nicheing down as they were talking about in the brand builders to say,this is who I really want to influence.Yeah,that's so,I mean,there's so many different commentaries on these different pieces,right?And I'm thinking about on me personally,I'm thinking about when I played football in high school,the kids that got the play were the kids that put the work in.During the week.You skipped a couple of practices,you're on the bench,like you skipped too many practices.You're in a suit,you know,like you're in the stands,you're in a suit,you're representing the team,but you didn't put the time in.When I played hockey,you know,a lot of times captain or assistant captain of the team,it was like I knew,like the kids that I wanted to play with,they were the ones that were skating hard.You know,I used to do suicides,so I used to do suicides.At the end of every practice,I used to do extra laps and suicide just to condition the legs.You're trying to get it faster and faster and faster every time.And you just kind of,you just kind of go into,like,I never went to ied,but I go until,like,I would just fall.It's just collapse.Just like,just pushing the body as hard as I can.But those were the elements,right?That's how you build the strength when you're tired.Like you don't build your strength in reps one through nine.You build your strength in reps.10.Mm-hmm.if you're pushing yourself,like that's the,that's the it's called,uh,I think in weightlifting,amrap as many reps as possible.Right.You go to failure.Just a failure,right?Yeah.Just a failure.One short of failure.Yeah.Yep.And that's not necessarily strength or endurance,it's,it's both,right?Like,um,on it's mindset.Mm-hmm.It's also mindset as well,right?I mean,even inside of that space,is there one more rep in you?Cuz usually there is,and we could say,we wanna do10reps and that's the exercise,but No,no,no.There's,there's likely one more that gets you closer to failure where that growth occurs.I think so much about the hard times as a father,like the hard times,like cuz hard times in business.If you're not in business,it's,it's a bit tough to understand that,right?Like generally,if you're a W2and you're down the line and the company closes,it's like you're a W2down the line,the company closes.There's not much you can do.But I love the analogy of like,you're,as a father,you're tired,you're trying to get the kids back.Like you're trying to get them in bed,you're at your wit's end and you're just like,okay,look,I'm gonna keep my calm,keep my peace,keep the love.This is the last rep.Like,this is it.I got one more rep in me.And I,I,I forget.I was talking with another colleague recently and I said,you know,I love the fact that as I'm getting older and as I'm becoming wiser and as I'm reflecting more on my values and how I wanna lead my family,that I'm getting stronger and I'm,and the things that used to bug me,they're kinda like,yeah,okay.You know,the second kid.Yeah,that's fine.Yeah.She's gonna cry.Yep.You know,like the,at this time right now at,at on air time of recording,I'm pretty much a week and a half,very little sleep.So,uh,uh,baby is,has been sick.So there's been coughing and staying up and snot and all the,all the ugly stuff.But it's like,I got it in me cuz I know,I know I can do it.And I think that's the,so when we're talking about the amrap,when we're talking about going to failure,we're talking about growing and,and putting that time in.We're talking about,the way that I think about it is I know my boundaries and I know I used to teach rope courses and I used to take kids as young as middle school,high school in college through as,as a facilitator and a and as through these rope courses like Trus follows,jumps.Mm-hmm.you know,vs all these kind of different pieces.And useless to say,it's kinda like most people don't know how far they can go.Cuz most people never even get to the door and the rope course.Like puts,not only does it put you in the frame of the door,but the doors open and you gotta step through.Mm-hmm.like when you're at the top and you're30feet in the air and like these people down here are holding your belay line and they're saying,jump,we got you like You know,not everybody goes through that.Uh,that's not easy,that is not an easy activity.But it shows you,I think the boundary of,is there fear?Is there,are there,are there trust issues?Are there mistrust?Are you gonna break down?But the,the moment it's so,it's so awesome cuz the moment the that happens,it's that last rep and then everything changes into physiology.So when they're breaking down,when even with kids,you've got kids when they're breaking down,like there's this rolling of the shoulders forward,there's a bowing of the head.There's a mumbling,a mumbling,a crying,a a coming in in themselves.And what I noticed,both with the kids and with the kids that were doing the ropes course,was just before,just before they would jump,bam,shoulders back,chest out,head up,go like the decision was made.They're acting on the decision.They're following through with the commitment The last rep happened,like,oh,so powerful,dude.It's crazy stuff.You got me going back in time as well to my first ropes course as well and understanding that feeling.I mean,cuz it's the,I hate doing it,love having done it.And you're like,whoa.One,it's rarely as bad as we made it up to be.We're really good as human beings as of putting fear in ourselves of the worst that can possibly happen.And it's rarely if,if ever going to happen.It's a,it's an unbelievable feeling once you do have that accomplishment again,you can have folks that are on those ropes for the first time at40,50,60years old who have never experienced that success,that type of success.What can be really powerful,and you mentioned kids by both my son and I have26and23,and they're just different.While they may not be sniffing at night and keeping us up,there are things that we,you know,always wonder.We're so hopeful that what they learned while they were here is something that they're carrying on and the different isms that,that come out of them that they remember when they were home.So I think about,and I'd love to hear your take on this,I think about the owning of results,like the owning of other people's results.So as a brand strategist,like what are the things that I own,like when I'm working with a client,I owe,I own the process.I own the coaching.I own the uplifting them.I own the,showing them I own,encouraging them to show up.Don't own the results,right?I own,Hey,you execute in this process.You keep putting in the time in,you show up,you believe in yourself.We get super clear on the messaging.You put it out there.That's like,as far as I own as a father.It's like,within these halls,do my kids know that I love them?Does my wife know that I love her?You know,do the people in my family,do they know that I love them?Am I showing up?I don't own any of their results.And,and so I'm,I'm curious,like with your elder kids,it's like,how do you navigate this?I mean,how,how do you navigate that?Well,it's,it's not easy.Again,part of that is when they're at the age that they are for you,you can.Wrap your arms around them and change it.Not from an outcome standpoint necessarily,but from a control standpoint.So you know,you're out there losing control,but even as I relate,whether it's parenting to leading a team,to coaching an individual from one point to another,there is a time where you say,I'm responsible to you,but I'm not responsible for you.And that if I can,as the coach,as the father,as the leader,own that I've been truthful with you in terms of what I see,then yes,you absolutely own the outcome.That's the part that I have to own as the coach or the father or the leader,is that I,am I coming from a position of,of love with the feedback that I give and not holding anything back in terms of what I observe,behaviors that I observe,values that are.Violated,whatever those components are.Did I as a leader,as a coach,as a father,which I see many of those things as one and the same.Did I speak the truth in love when I saw it or did I walk around that problem,that tree that fell in the way,I think I was really reflecting on as you were talking,like Ted Lasso.Have you,have you,do you watch Ted Lasso?So I,I'm too cheap to go out and buy.Everybody tells me I need to go get Apple Plus just for a month,apple TV plus for a month and watch all the Ted lasso episodes and then get rid of it again.But I,uh,I follow this inspirational Ted Lasso meme account on Instagram,which is interesting.So I,I personally think that you would love it.I think that there are so few times where I can watch a show where I cry and laugh at the same time.And so from the same show,it is so funny.But what was really interesting.and from the context of this conversation,right?So like,what is Ted?Right?So Ted is like a consistency.And I what I,here's what I love.This is what I love.Cause I,I've heard this a handful of different times,is that he says,all right,for the next five minutes when they lose a game,now the team kind of sucks.So they lose a lot So he's like,for the next five minutes,y'all can be as negative as you want,as self-defeating as you want,as self-loathing as you want.Whatever you want.You have five minutes.Go ahead and do that.And what,what he,what he teaches them is he's just like,he's never criticizing,I think he's never criticizing the emotional response to what's happening.He says,no,no,let,let the response happen.But what I take,when he comes back at the end,he says,okay,great.Now what are we gonna do?Now?What's the next step?He just comes back and I think about my kids.It's kind of like,I don't want them,I don't want.I don't want my daughters to be hanging out in the negativity and self-loathing and that kind of stuff.Like after a simple defeat,I'm kinda like,oh,oh.Like okay,that happened.Like let's now let's learn from it and get the heck back on the field.Let's get back to playing,figuring it out.Uh,so uncommon leadership listeners,if you have not,don't do what John does.go ahead and get Apple Go get yourself and go watch head lasso.It's so good.I'm gonna do it cuz you're about the fifth person that's told me to do it.So it's not that I,I have been a follower.I've seen two of the episodes on American Airlines and they keep showing the same two episodes over and over again and they keep teasing you to get Apple TV Plus.So I don't watch'em anymore.I've only watched'em once,but I'll go out and get it back to the results conversation cuz that's,cuz what I was thinking about was if there's one character,I'm not gonna,I don't wanna spoil anything cuz,cuz you're new.But there's one character that.Um,he is really focused on results and he's focused on self.And so at a certain point he,he does his own thing.I'm trying to be as,and so all of you that have watched it,you know the character that I'm talking about,he does his own thing.He gets really self-centered really,really in here.And he,and he given the common parlance of our world,he goes to the dark side And so in the show,he goes to the dark side.And it was really interesting because it was a moment where I think the double led sword of trying to control the results Hmm.Is that it's a selfish pursuit.It's something that you can't control.And especially from the fatherhood of the coach perspective as the leader,there's almost nothing I can do in the game time.to help my daughter get really good grades on the test.Mm-hmm.there's nothing I can do when she goes to roller skating to have her perform at her best.If she's testing for her belt in TaeKwonDo,there's nothing I can do to,I,I can't be on the mat with her and I can't kick for her to show our teacher,our master,that she's learned the forms and is doing it appropriately.There's absolutely nothing I can do,and I can't imagine the,I,it feels like it's a really strong word,but it feels like a,a really unique kind of tyranny to say,I own your results.And I think,like,if I think in the professional context,right?We've all had a boss or somebody that does that,it feels crappy if you're there on the receiving end of it.So if you're the person who's,oh,you did this,but I don't want your results.I very recently had a it was really funny that CEO and myself have a very different perspective on leadership.everything good in the corporation was his.Everything bad was somebody else's fault.And my whole time,like the,the whole time I was there,I was just trying to build my team up,So I was just trying to impart on them,like,look,this is what's in front of you.This is what I want you to work on over the next three months.Here's a soft,and I would say like,this is the soft skill I want you to work on.Here's the hard skill I want you to work on.This is what we're doing.This is what I wanna see in the next,in the next week.And so like,just kind of keeping it in front of them not dissimilar to what I do in brand strategy,right.Um,but it was just like,even,even in my time in video games,which I love,it's like if I needed an animation,like I could control the quality of the animation that I got back,the best I could do is describe the visual of what I wanted to accomplish.And it would be,you know,and then even then,it's like the art director down to the animation lead down to the animator like,you know,it's like,they own the visual experience.And I'm just saying like,Hey,I need an animation.Sure.And so there's like some collaboration stuff like that.But like I don't own any of that.And so it's just,it's this really interesting perspective and I think a really great unlock for any leader,for any father,for any w2,for anybody,for any person,just to say like,look like you gotta be100%committed,but you have to have zero expectation of results.Well,that's all for today's episode of The Uncommon Leader Podcast.Thanks for listening in.Please take just a minute to share this podcast without someone you know that you thought of when you heard this episode.One of the most valuable things you can do is to rate the podcast and leave a review.You can do that on Apple Podcast,or you can rate the podcast on Spotify or any other platform You listen.Did you know that many of the things that I discussed on the Uncommon Leader Podcast are subjects that I coach other leaders and organizations on?If you would be interested in having me discuss one-on-one or group coaching with you,or know someone who is looking to move from underperforming to uncommon in their business or life,I would love to chat with you.Click the link in the show knows to set up a free call to discuss how coaching might benefit you and your team.Until next time,go and grow Champions.